To My Body,
Today we took a shower. It has been less than 48 hours since I tortured you once again. Less than 3 years ago I violated you. I told you, you weren’t good enough while I looked at you with disgust. I had tried for years to make you different, like someone else. I dressed you uncomfortably & forced pads & underwires to increase where I felt you lacked. I misused you to feel loved. I exposed you for attention. Then I took it even further, I forced you to sleep & let another forcefully insert foreign objects into you thinking they would complete you, they would make you look better, turn you into the womanly body you were supposed to be. Yes, this would be the answer to make “me” feel better, but you would, in return, feel worse.
You tried to keep up with me. You got me to work & we took care of the kids. We kept up with responsibilities at home & took great pride in being a wife. Sleeping was difficult, we couldn’t quite get comfortable, those darn objects in the way. Then the headaches came, day by day I was angry at you for interrupting my day. I would be so tired & frustrated by the end of the day I would rush you to bed. I finally started to feed you different; why were you now rejecting certain foods? Wasn’t it enough we don’t sleep well & get headaches every day? I was so mad at you, why were you failing me. I was often moody, impatient, & my hormones took a hit. That time of the month would approach & I would hate you even more. Why did this have to change, I was only 32, I shouldn’t be like this yet… Then you got worse. My eyes would hurt, I’d get dizzy, feel nauseas, so tired I couldn’t even get motivated. I was so overwhelmed with all that was wrong with you. I would search and search on how to change you & make you better, but it just left me defeated. You panicked. Literally, you resorted to anxiety & panic attacks. You were desperately trying to get my attention but I didn’t listen to how you felt, I was just angry you were ruining my life. I literally felt your pain & only thought about myself. I would cry & say how unfair it was, I would pray fo God to fix you, heal you so I could have my life back.
“I’m not going to sacrifice my mental health to have the perfect body”Demi Lovato
Then one morning, as I sat quietly speaking to God I asked him to show me what was wrong, what needed to be done. The next few days would change our lives, forever, for the better. It took a lot of strength to admit, but it wasn’t you who had failed, it was me. What had I done? I inserted toxic poison, foreign objects, into you & expected you to work as God designed you. I pushed you, pressured you, all while you were striving just to keep up, working hard to fight off something unknown, YOU were trying to protect ME. I had never appreciated you. I let you down, I didn’t protect you. I am so sorry to you, my body. Please forgive me. While you just wanted to rest & function properly I just wanted to look extra curvy in a blouse. I wasn’t even happy, I never could get my clothes to fit you now, I had to layer tank tops constantly to cover the bra I thought I desperately wanted. We both started to get depressed. I had to leave my job & rest at home, I couldn’t even focus mentally or find the words to speak. Once I realized what I had done to you I knew it was time for ME to help YOU. God led us quickly to remove the toxic evil from our life. Together we would prepare physically, mentally, & spiritually to once again go under for surgery, but this time I warned you, I prepared you & I cared about protecting you. We felt God’s assurance peace, yes HE would protect us BOTH. TOGETHER we would move forward towards healing.
“You are imperfect. permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”Amy Bloom
We made it. It has been 48 hours & we are quite the team. We are loving each other, patiently, gracefully, we are beginning to heal. I know in the weeks, & months, to come you will work much harder than I to repair the damage I did, to mend our immune system, but I will HELP YOU. I am going to help you rest, nourish you, & protect you. I am going to pray for you daily & remind you how beautiful you truly are. I will praise God for being so intentional when he molded you, the body that would be a temple for the Holy Spirit. I will be patient with you, as you will need time, I will hurt while you work, knowing its all for the cause. Together we will be HEALED, we will start to LIVE again. I will forever care more about you than how I look to others. I will make sure you are comfortable & taken care of before I focus on what I wear. I will dress you comfortably & modestly, treasuring you for the blessing you are. We will go at this life together, till God calls my soul home. I will love you till the end, truly, just the way you are.
The soul that dwells within your beauty.