Fit & Faithful

Desolate Wilderness: Part I

You know the term late bloomer, well, I was more of a “never” bloomer. I always felt self-conscious about the lack of chest size, I would even wear a padded bra under my sports bra when I played soccer so I wouldn’t look so flat. Most of us can think of something right off the bat that we dislike, or would change, about ourselves.

Breast augmentation was something I joked about often. As I was pregnant with each of our 3 children I would marvel through the pain of milk production because for a short time I had size C breast. After delivery I would deflate right back into reality. After our third & final child I considered breast implants for real. My husband told me they weren’t necessary & said all the right things like assuring me he loved me for me, but I couldn’t accept it. I became obsessed with the idea & vowed to work to save the money to get them; then I’d be happy, yes I would be complete. I will do this “for me” because I deserve it, yes I never do anything for myself. It wasn’t about anyone else, it was about me feeling confident & secure. At least that is what I convinced myself to believe. I scheduled a consultation, I picked a size, I set a surgery date. I had just graduated college with an associate degree in technical education, I had a job at our local preschool, I had just accepted a part-time job coaching soccer, & now I was going to have large breast so with my beautiful children & supportive husband I would have it all.

As a christian I wasn’t really walking with Jesus. I was drinking here & there with ladies from work, I was focused on myself, & I just craved something… attention..maybe? Or maybe just to be seen…but by who?

On May 28th I had surgery; I left the office 2 hours later with new 500CC (Size 36 DD) saline breast implants.

Recovery was easy honestly. I was sore, mostly a tight feeling from being swollen. I rested as I couldn’t lift anything over 10 lbs. I binge watched Friday Night Lights on Netflix & relaxed the summer away. I bought new swim suits & clothes, because nothing fit over my new investments. I won’t sit back & lie, I showed them off at times, mostly when my husband & I went on a date. But to be honest, once I started back to work I felt awkward. I couldn’t find bra’s that fit right or that were comfortable. I didn’t like how I looked in most things; I felt it just looked like I had gained weight. It hurt to sleep on my stomach now & my left breast was nearly 100% numb since the surgery. I tried to focus on being happy, this is what I had always wanted.

Fast forward to Summer 2017 I was volunteering more at my new home church, I was leading a ladies small group / bible study, I was volunteer coaching our youngest child’s little league soccer team, & I had just accepted a new position with Ohio State University (sadly I would leave behind my amazing christian pre-school job, more on that later) & I was working hard at home remodeling our front & back porches. I was a go getter, I was doing everything God called me to do: quiet time, church, working hard to make money to support my family, volunteering, saying yes to everyone & everything… yeah, I had this following Jesus stuff down. Yeah, right! I was so lost… so distracted…. I totally did not see the storm approaching.

I started to feel like I had a cold, probably from all the paint & working outside. It lingered through most of the summer, a couple doctors visits & some allergy medicine didn’t help. Headaches, sore throat, stuffy nose, exhaustion…. these were my days. I started to feel so anxious about the new job I had accepted which was set to start in August. I would be up at night, rapid heart beat, crying that I made a mistake. What was I thinking? I had grown accustomed to summer & holiday breaks off with our children; now what? Who would watch them? Would they miss me? I would miss them! I had so much anxiety & stress I made myself feel worse physically. I had based looking for a new job & accepting a new job was necessary as I “needed” to make more money & to be more successful. I finally told my husband I couldn’t go through with it & retracted my acceptance of the position. I felt like I let everyone down; I disappointed every one. By this time my position at the pre-school was filled, so I was unemployed. I did take the time to sincerely apologize to the Director & begged her to reconsider me in the future.

As the kids started back to school I still felt awful. I began as a substitute one-on-one aide at a local school but each day I felt worse. Headaches increasing in severity, exhausted, I didn’t feel like eating, I was anxious a lot, & I started losing weight. I was also taking online courses to pursue my bachelor degree (because that is what I am supposed to do right? Keep pushing, keep working, succeed…) & I couldn’t focus at all to write a paper or even read my text books; what was wrong with me? I was emotional, my menstrual cycles were insane, I struggled to even read my bible for quiet time. My prayer life was purely tantrum throwing & sobbing trying to convince God to heal me. 

Then driving my car one day it all came crashing down; I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, light headed, overcome by fear, I was dying! No, I was having a panic attack. It was awful, no terrifying, no really like the absolute worse thing I had ever felt. It would be the first of many, unfortunately this was the beginning of the hardest season of my life…. 

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