Healing Harbor

A Letter to My Baby….

Dear Baby, Hello, it’s your mother. I honestly question at times if I deserve to be called that. A mother is to protect, love, & raise up her child. The biggest mistake of my life; I failed you. When I realized I was pregnant I was shocked. I wondered about you, if you were really in there. I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, I honestly wasn’t healthy mentally or physically either. I was lost, down a dark lonely path, searching for love. 

I was told I was pregnant by a nurse. I was told you were unwanted. I was told you would be denied. I was told how much you would cost. I was told I would never be able to do anything but work to pay for you. I was told how hard it would be. I was told I should get married. I was told how much you would cost. I was told how much I would lose. I was told how stupid I was. I was told I’d never get married. I was told you were a mistake. I was told to get an abortion.

I was told many things; all the wrong things. No one told me how special you were. No one told me about your tiny fingers & toes. No one told me about the kicks I would soon feel or how I would see you on the ultrasound & hear your little heart beat. No one told me how sweet you would smell. No one told me how much you would love me or how much I would love you. No one told me that I would regret my choice every day for the rest of my life. No one told me it would hurt you. No one told me it would break me. No one told me of the guilt, shame, & regret. 

I failed you. I can’t express how sorry I am. I can’t make it up to you. I can’t take it back. Oh how my heart broke for so long. I didn’t want to tell anyone what I had done. I was convinced God would never let me be a mother again. I am sure you know I was wrong; your with Him, you know just how wonderful He is! God, with his mercy & grace, saturated me in His love & forgiveness. The Holy Spirit slowly mended the wounds & led me on a path of forgiveness. 

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Matthew 6:14 KJV

Forgiveness, is a tricky thing right; if we don’t forgive, we aren’t forgiven. I had to face my pain head on. All those things I was told… no one knew any better. As society we react to unplanned pregnancy, as messy as it is, as the end of “our” life. Caught in the emotional explosion of fear & shock we tend to forget that it is the beginning of life for another. Yes, there is doubt, fear, anxiety, but it doesn’t have to be a dead end. Abortion isn’t, it can’t be, our only option. We don’t want an unplanned pregnancy to be the “end” of “our” life… we can’t let it be the end of the babies life either. You weren’t my mistake, my actions & careless living was my mistake. I’ll never know what God had planned for you. I’ll never know what God had planned for me. I’ll never know what God had planned for us. 

My Baby, I don’t know if you know of me yet… or if you will forgive me. I don’t know what your re-action will be one day when we come face to face in Heaven. I don’t know how my three children here will react when they learn of you & my mistake. I don’t know what others will think as they read these words. 

Here is what I do know: 

God Loves you & all children!

 “’You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:13-16 NLT 

Even though I interfered with His plans, He is always in control; God is able to use all circumstances for His glory & purpose. The enemy, who comes to steal, kill, & destroy, will not win!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Genesis 50:20 NLT

I will speak up. I will tell my story. I will admit my failure. I will give God my all so that just maybe one life will be spared. One mother will not make the same mistake I did. One more heart won’t be broken. Your life will have purpose

I am your mother. 

You are my child. 

I carry you in my heart each day. 

Until we meet in Heaven….. all my love I send, 

 

Momma

 

 

If you or someone you know are considering an abortion, please email me autumnanchor@yahoo.com or seek assistance through a local church, the Heartbeats organization, or another organization in your community. You have options. I know you are scared but you don’t have to do this alone. You are loved. 

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